On Going Public

Just how important is honesty, anyway? 
So I just evaded telling a group of my friends what I do for money far more deliberately and drastically than I would have thought would be in character for me. I actually physically left the bar where we were all sat chatting and having a laugh so as to avoid having to tell them. Now I'm left with a dilemma. Should I have told them? Perhaps I should send a message on facebook to at least the one who I am closest to as a friend. I am naturally an honest and open person; I have always found that I lack secrets almost entirely. This is not necessarily a thing that I have worked hard to maintain or even something that is really a conscious thing; being unable to keep information in is simply a quirk of my character. It has something to do with my struggle with anxiety.

This said, this was actually the second occasion I have withheld information about my chosen occupation; in fact, I outright lied to my mother. Oh, please believe me, I feel terrible about it. I don't like to make a habit of lying to my mother, but I am working much harder than she knows to be her baby. I will spare you the sob story as it's horribly cliched and I don't like to whinge.

So now I am thinking about how it was when the people who do know found out. Why is it I am afraid of telling new people?

What does it mean when they are not surprised?
The first person who I spoke to face-to-face about my new job was a lad who lives on the same floor as me in the halls I am staying in at University and who is also in some of my lectures. I hadn't spoken to anyone since getting off the phone with my new boss and I was buzzing with excitement, nerves and disbelief. I couldn't keep the news in; really I would have told anyone. I told him that I had got a job as a 'dancer in a club' and he understood. He took it so calmly and without question that I have since wondered a little how it is that others see me. But not too much, as I am quite sure that they do not look down upon me and actually, generally, quite like me.

Very soon after I had told him, I told a girl on my course who I am really quite close to. She took it just as calmly and wished me luck on my first night. So, thus far, I had been what I considered rather lucky, although I still wasn't thinking entirely straight as I was still a little drunk on the news of my new employment.

A slight belief and morality clash
I had texted my best friend at University, a boy both on my course and my corridor, as soon as I had got off the phone to my boss. However, he had been busy until the lecture and I didn't actually get to talk to him about it until we had actually sat down for the lecture. He was very uncomfortable about it and, quite frankly, taken aback. I was a little surprised by this as I had talked about becoming a stripper before and I don't think I ever came across as though I was joking about it. As I mentioned before, I am generally quite open and honest, particularly about things such related to sexuality. There is little that the people I live with do not know about my sexuality.

Under a little interrogation when the two of us were in a more private setting, I found that strip clubs were not places that he thought should exist. He is quite a devote Catholic and therefore has a very different moral views from me, a pro-sex Atheist. We agreed to not talk about it again, but it did make things a little awkward between us for about a week before we sorted it out with an Angel marathon.

A noisy and large grapevine
By dinner the next day, I got the distinct feeling that far more people than I had told knew about my recent employment. The lads were loving it and were even planning an outing for my first night until I put my foot down about it. They were very excited for me. They were actually being very sensible and serious about it, considering the fact that they were now living with a stripper.

The girls weren't so enthusiastic. They worried for my safety and acted as though this were something that I had been forced into. One girl begged me to not do it and offered to go job hunting with me, making me feel like a lesser part of society and distinctly less that comfortable about being around them. They weren't trying to make me feel bad about it, as far as I can tell, and I don't believe that they were judging me for it; they just couldn't understand that I am well equipped for taking care of myself.

A job as a flirting device
I told a few of the lads I had been flirting with about my job. This was after telling a boy I went on a date once but am now just friends with. I had initially worried that he would judge me, or look at me in a different way, as he is a good, nice boy, but he told me that I was actually more attractive to him now. This, obviously, interested me and I, as an experiment, told a few more lads. I found that I got the same response. I am sure that if I were looking for a serious relationship it would be different, although I am not sure how different; I have always made it clear that, moral views-wise, I am not like other girls. So maybe it wouldn't make any difference at all.

Perhaps I have to just tell people and let them decide what they think, rather than me deciding what they will think and just never letting the find out.